You, yes you! You know you’re guilty of these.
The ‘In Love’ Couple
These people rub their relationship on our faces. Daily posts tagging the significant other and infesting our homepage with their lovey dovey drama. An occasional appreciation post wouldn’t hurt, but everyday selfies of you guys snogging each other and posts on how tightly he holds you while you’ve got a hard stool stuck in your rectum? No. Just no. We wouldn’t want to see that. It doesn’t turn us on.
OH AND if one of these couples break up, they make sure that everyone else on their friend list goes into a deep depression just like them by reading those heart wrenching statuses and posts they update and share. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? I’m not sure whether I should like your depressing posts or not because;
a) it could mean that I am enjoying the fact that you both broke up OR
b) here, take my like. I sympathize you.
The Religious Scholars
“In the name of God, I log into Facebook.”
Every post they share, every status they update, every link they click is religion oriented. Sure, you’re truly a blessing to yourself but you don’t have to go around criticizing the less religious oriented people. HARAM SISTER, REMOVE THIS PROVOCATIVE POST. ASTAGFIRULLAH BROTHER, HOW DARE YOU LIKE HER SELFIE? Please, just give us a break. We’re just a bunch of youngsters having fun on Facebook so you don’t necessarily have to declare jihad on us. I’m totally not going to hell by commenting on a selfie posted by the guy next door.
The Selfie Kings and Queens
Do I need to elaborate more on this? One or two shots of yourself are fine, but bombarding our home-feed with selfies every hour is narcissistic to say the least. We saw your face 15 minutes ago, and yes, we still remember what you look like.
Visiting the profiles of these people is like getting an encyclopedia chucked at your face. The sole purpose of these learned people is to educate people through social media by posting HUGE posts, combined with statistical numerals and uber facts. Make it a bit presentable. Then perhaps we might consider engaging ourselves in your pool of knowledge.
The Current Affairs Section
These people seem to know EVERYTHING and it is VERY CREEPY. Ranging from the date Obama first met Michelle to the date your grandma had her last orgasm, they know it all. I have no idea how they gather all these information and keep updating their statuses every 5 minutes. Their profiles serve as an alternative to online newspapers.
I am guilty of this.
When we come across something that stirs our interest or annoys the crap out of us, we feel the need to log into Facebook and post an enormous status about it. Why? Because it makes us feel good. Venting our excitement or frustrations on social media at the most intense moments makes us feel good, and knowing that there are some people out there who would read it makes us feel good. Read my rant. Does it make you feel good?
The Lyrical People
These people speak lyrics. It’s like they have got all the playlists from 1990 onward stored in their brains and if you ever say something to them, they would go all Beyoncé or Wiz Khalifa on you. Also, most of their statuses consists of song lyrics and they got a song on their mind to match their mood. Dutifully, they do insert a music symbol at the end.
The Party Animals
The party don’t start til’ I walk in….
A party in town? These people would be present. No one can throw a party without them showing up. According to them, even a baby shower is a ‘party’. And they make sure they take numerous selfies with their eyes half closed and tongues sticking out like yeah get high on zamzam and party til’ fajr, man.
The Offensive People
You’re insecure. We get it. But you don’t have to be a bitch about it. You don’t have to go around posting hateful comments like “gaaaaay” on adorable posts. And if I comment on your picture, I expect a nice “thank you” rather than a “gulhen noolhey.” That’s very rude.
They’re the chosen ones. The thug life chose them. These people think that adding “and shit” at the end of their statuses makes anything they say sound thug. For example; “I was playing with my bubbles and shit.” Their posts are all about rebelling and doing all sorts of thug shit. OH AND you will find a marijuana leaf and rasta colors on one of their profile pictures.
The Goody Two Shoes
These people tries to be as good and “clean” as humanly possible. They are more often than not a staunch conservative and takes pride in their virginity and their practice of asceticism. Of course they would NEVER consider smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or having any physical contact with the opposite sex beyond holding hands or perhaps a peck on the cheek. They can be nice to an extent but eventually begins to reprimand us about our “sinful” lifestyle and just becomes a pest.
Members of the Royal Family
A vast number of royals are scattered all over Facebook and they have become a menace to their nation due to being unable to locate them and this results in loss of royal bloodline. Please report to your nations immediately.
“I don’t work, I’m a princess.”
Firstly, you think princesses be chilling all the time? Wrong. They got shitloads of royal duties to deal with.
Secondly, even if you were a princess, God forbid, you would make a nasty one. No work, spending the state’s money?
Thirdly, no prince charming is going to want your lazy ass.
The Picture Owners
I don’t understand the concept of picture-owning. How do I own someone’s profile picture? Do I call dibs on it? Do I need to pay a remuneration? Is paperwork required? Is it a complicated process?
Excuse me, you’re in the wrong neighborhood. This is Facebook, not your personal diary. These people are victims of the phenomenon where one over shares feelings and meaningless details about life on Facebook. So just remember when you log on to Facebook and the “What’s on your mind?” status bar is staring you in the face, please know that we really don’t want to know the unnecessary details of your life which does not fascinate us.
The People Who Feel
What? I get it you’re hungry but FEELING FOOD? Really? Don’t you mean you’re craving food? These people violate the option provided to state emotions.
The Inspirational Caption-ers
“wow girl, that’s a mighty fine booty you got there!”
Picture caption: “To dream by night is to escape your life.”
TELL ME HOW IS THAT CAPTION OF ANY RELEVANCE TO YOUR BOOTY?
These people post poems and supposedly thought-provoking quotes as captions. I have no idea how an Outfit of The Day photo relates to a deep-sounding quote like “Life is love” but stop it. I just want to see your outfit photos and your misleading captions are deterring me from doing so.
May your inspirational quotes inspire you to do something else rather than sitting on Facebook all day annoying the shit out of people with your stupid quotes.
Then there are cool and fun people like me. You’re truly honored to be listed as my friend on Facebook.