Types Of People On Facebook

For some of us Facebook is the source of information, a dating site or an ego stroking medium. After years of being our default homepage, we can now see a pattern when it comes to the types of people on Facebook and personalities taking the centre stage on this platform. What type of people have we befriended? Which one of those personalities are you?

The Hopeless Romantics
These people rub their relationship on our faces by daily posts with the significant other and infesting our homepage with their ‘lovey-dovey’ drama. An occasional appreciation post wouldn’t hurt, but everyday selfies of you guys snogging each other and posts on how tightly he holds you while you’ve got a hard stool stuck in your rectum? No. We would not want to see that. It does not turn us on.

OH AND if one of these couples break up, they make sure that everyone else on their friend list goes into a deep misery just like them by seeing their heart wrenching posts. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? I’m not sure whether I should like your gloomy posts or not because:
a) it could mean that I am enjoying the fact that you both broke up OR
b) here, take my like. I sympathize you.

The Religious Scholars
“In the name of God, I log into Facebook.”

Every post they share, every status they update and every link they click is religion oriented. Sure, you’re truly a blessing to yourself but you don’t have to go around criticizing the less religious people. “HARAM SISTER, REMOVE THIS PROVOCATIVE POST.” “ASTAGFIRULLAH BROTHER, HOW DARE YOU LIKE HER SELFIE?” Please, just give us a break. We’re just a bunch of youngsters having fun on Facebook so you don’t necessarily have to declare jihad on us. 

The Selfie Kings & Queens
Do I need to elaborate more on this? One or two shots of yourself are fine, but bombarding our home-feed with selfies every hour is narcissistic to say the least. We saw your face 15 minutes ago, and yes, we still remember how you look like.

The Philosophers
Visiting the profiles of these people is like getting an encyclopedia chucked at your face. The sole purpose of these people is to educate people through social media by posting humungous posts combined with statistical numerals and uber facts. Make it a bit presentable, so then perhaps we MIGHT consider engaging ourselves in your pools of knowledge.

The Current Affairs Section
These people seem to know EVERYTHING and it is SUPER CREEPY. Ranging from the date Obama first met Michelle to the date your grandma had her last orgasm, they know it all. I have no idea how they gather all these information and keep updating their statuses every 5 minutes. Their profiles serve as an alternative to online newspapers.

The Ranters
I am guilty of this.

When we come across something that stirs our interest or annoys the crap out of us, we feel the need to log into Facebook and post an enormous status about it. Why? Because venting our excitement or frustrations on social media at the most intense moments makes us feel good, and knowing that there are some people out there who would read it makes the experience better.

The Lyrical People
These people speak lyrics. It’s like they have got all the playlists from 1990 onward stored in their brains and if you ever say something to them, they would go all Beyoncé or Wiz Khalifa on you. Also, most of their statuses consists of song lyrics and dutifully, they do insert a music symbol at the end.

The Party Animals
The party don’t start til’ I walk in….

A party in town? These people would be present. No one can throw a party without them showing up. According to them, even a baby shower is a ‘lit party’. And they make sure they take numerous selfies with their eyes half closed and tongues sticking out like, yeah get high on zamzam and party til’ fajr, man.

The Offensive People
You are insecure and we get it, but you don’t have to be a bitch about it. Don’t go around posting hateful comments like “gay” on adorable posts, and if I compliment you, I expect a nice “thank you” rather than a “gulhen noolhey.” That’s very rude.

The Thugs
The thug life chose them. These people think that adding “and shit” at the end of their statuses makes anything they say sound thug. “I was playing with my bubbles and shit.” Their posts are all about rebelling and doing all sorts of thug ‘shit.’ Moreover, you will find marijuana leaves and Rastafarian Colors on their pictures.

The Goody Two Shoes
These people tries to be as decent and ‘clean’ as humanly possible. They are more often than not a staunch conservative and takes pride in their virginity and their practice of asceticism. Of course they would NEVER consider smoking, drinking, doing drugs or having any physical contact with the opposite sex beyond holding hands. They can be nice to an extent but eventually begins to reprimand us about our ‘sinful’ lifestyle and just becomes a pest.

Members Of The Royal Family
A vast number of royals are scattered all over Facebook and they have become a menace to their nation due to being unable to locate them and this results in loss of royal bloodline. Please report to your nations immediately.

“I don’t work, I’m a princess.”
Firstly, do you think that princesses are chilling all the time? Wrong. They got shitloads of royal duties to deal with.
Secondly, even if you were a princess, God forbid, you would make a nasty one. Not work yet spending the state’s money?
Thirdly, no prince charming is going to want your lazy ass.

The Picture Owners
I don’t understand the concept of picture-owning. How do I own someone’s profile picture? Do I call dibs on it? Do I need to pay a remuneration? Is paperwork required? Is it a complicated process?

The Diaries
Excuse me, you’re in the wrong neighborhood. This is Facebook, not your personal diary. These people are victims of the phenomenon where one over shares feelings and meaningless details about life on Facebook. So just remember when you log on to Facebook and the “What’s on your mind?” status bar is staring you in the face, please know that we really don’t want to know the unnecessary details of your life which does not fascinate us.

The People Who Feel…
-feeling food
What? I get it you’re hungry but FEELING FOOD? Really? Don’t you mean you’re craving food? These people violate the option provided to state emotions.

The Inspirational Captioners’
“wow girl, that’s a mighty fine booty you got there!”
Picture caption: “To dream by night is to escape your life.”
These people post poems and supposedly thought-provoking quotes as captions. I have no idea how an Outfit of The Day  photo relates to a deep-sounding quote like “Life Is Love,” but stop it. I just want to see your outfit photos and your misleading captions are deterring me from doing so.

May your inspirational quotes inspire you to do something else rather than sitting on Facebook all day annoying the shit out of people with your stupid quotes.

Then there are cool and fun people like me. You’re truly honored if you’re listed as my friend on Facebook.

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No Comments

  • Reply
    Ahmed Azan
    December 29, 2015 at 06:18

    Also the people who posts their food before it goes in the tummy. Not so amusing.

    I’ve read all your posts. Must say, it’s very interesting. Looking forward for more. 🙂

  • Reply
    June 12, 2015 at 17:53

    From what I read above, I’m like 3 or 4 of those. Is it possible? Haha.
    Also you missed some types, like the one mentioned in the above comment. Then there are the obvious fake account owners, also the guys who likes everything on the timlines, then comes the Internet police, then there are these digital stalkers who just watch over everything without liking or commenting on any, also known as scrollers. Digital stalking is so common now. We’ll, atleastt I’m stalking on blogger

    • Reply
      August 15, 2015 at 09:44

      Yes, it’s possible, you Facebook God. I did take all those categories to consideration but had to cut short the post. Please continue to stalk on blogger, thank you.

  • Reply
    Hassan Ahmed
    February 6, 2015 at 15:28

    So basically what you are saying is that Ranters are the only good type of people on facebook?

  • Reply
    October 29, 2014 at 04:55

    Damn you for beating me to the punch on this article! But I think you got everything I wanted to cover except one: people who like their own status and pictures. Under that entry, it would just include a picture of a lion sucking it’s own dick. But, bravo!! I love the article and the twisted humor and sarcasm.

  • Reply
    October 28, 2014 at 17:52

    Where am I ?

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